Reflections on a Journey: The 100th Post
Fall seven times and stand up eight — Japanese Proverb
If you happen to be reading this post then as the title says, this post is a milestone for me. It is my one hundredth post since I ventured on a journey that started on 5 Aug 2021. Almost three years and now a hundred articles later, the achievement that I am most proud of is that through thick and thin I managed to stay with the endeavor and made it here.
It all started with getting older and the prospect of retirement in the near future, a thought that almost derailed me with the fear of suddenly being time affluent and not knowing what to do with it. Leaving work, and whatever psychological crutches it provided, was a terrifying prospect. It is not that there was much of an attachment left for work, its politics, or for what I was doing there, it was more the thought of not knowing what I would be doing if I were to leave.
The thought of not knowing what awaits if I were to leave this room, step through the door and enter the next one, was terrifying.
And then there was the growing realization of my mortality. The combination of the two was not playing out well.
Deep within, I happen to be a growth-oriented person and relish the rush of coming up with new ideas, connecting disparate and seemingly isolated facts and bits of knowledge. These traits have served me well in my research career, and in my own little way, I have been successful in research pursuits, its outcomes, and I am proud of it.
The same growth mindset, however, did not help with the prospect of sudden time affluence at hand after retirement and not knowing what to do with it. Without conscious recognition, somewhere along the way the work became all consuming, became identity and there was not much to do outside of it. The prospect of becoming a comfort-minded retiree whose portfolio of engagements includes gardening, watching TV etc. was not an inviting image of my future self.
I am not alone in being terrified at the prospect of retirement. Medical advances have increased the life span to the extent that life after retirement could be a 30+ year time span, as long as the working life itself. This has created a niche for a new class of entrepreneurs of retirement coaches, retirement podcasts, and books, all trying to guide us what to do with the remining years we will have on the Earth.
The bottom line is that depending on what the individual mindset may be, the prospect of retirement could be a traumatic experience.
It is going through the thought of transition of retirement that the idea of writing as a hobby emerged. The idea was writing for the sake of writing with no strings attached, for example, not worrying about whether anyone is going to read or not. An endeavor for its own sake without any expectations on the return. That is also when I started developing the portfolio of engagements that would feel fulfilling after retirement and writing felt like a good engagement to have in that portfolio.
And my first post was about wondering aloud who would be interested in reading what I write. There has already been so much written, and in that backdrop, would I have anything new to say? But then, it also occurred that there are always new connections to be made, and besides, now there are billions of users of internet, and it may just happen that an article may happen flash by someone’s field of vision, get read, and might touch upon someone’s personal curiosity or experience.
In the universe of internet, posted articles (at least by newbies) are like shooting stars in the night sky. If you just happen to be looking up, you might notice one shooting across your screen.
An issue with starting down this path was what to with the desire to get noticed, getting likes, and getting recognition. It is a desire which is double edged sword. It could be a wonderful motivator (and a resonator) but could also bring a crushing sense of defeat. Not being chained by the desire to be recognized could be a tremendous sense of freedom.
There is plenty of advice from scriptures and philosophers on how to minimize the role of seeking external recognition in our life and its endeavors and not become its prey. From the Bhagvat Gita where Kirshna tells Arjuna “You have a right to perform your prescribed duties, but you are not entitled to the fruits of your actions. Never consider yourself to be the cause of the results of your activities, nor be attached to inaction” to the advice from the stoics that pay attention to what one controls and do not peg your happiness on the things you cannot control, like seeking recognition and number of views and likes. What is in your control is to post the article and rest is out of your hand, and thus, do not sweat over it.
Excellent words of wisdom but hard to follow.
Not too keen on “Stats” page is liberating but being human, it is hard to pull entirely away from it and I do take a peek at the stats once in a while. Desire to get recognized is an evolutionary trait designed to increase our chances of survival and reproduction. It is buried deeply in my psyche and is not easy to let go.
Since beginning on 1 Aug 2021, I have come a long way. It was slow going in the beginning (with posts separated by a month or more). Now I have reached a place where I am writing regularly and generally have a post ready to appear online on Saturday morning.
Along the journey I have written and posted article on mortality (and as one gets older, my growing recognition of it), trials and tribulations of retirement, future of humanity, developing a framework of living, articles on the lines of personal journaling, philosophical musings, and connecting various bits of information.
Even though I have come far, there is still a thought that nags me. It is the fear of running out of ideas. It is the fear of endings and not knowing what to do next. I keep getting struck by finistophobia. If I had a list (and ideas) of potential articles to write that is longer than the span of my cognitively lucid days on the Earth, I would be a content person. And to get there, I am constantly trying to update the list of potential articles to write and constantly curating ideas.
Now as get I closer and closer to impending retirement and have been able to put together a portfolio of engagements that align with my values, I am at ease with the thought of time affluence. In fact, I might be getting close to consciously making the decision to step through the door and embracing it.
And here I am with my 100th post and hope to have the 200th post not too far in the future. Until then, be well, do good work, and stay in touch.
Ciao.
